the agony.....

試験があと二つある。皆頑張ろう！ 木曜日の三時に自由になる。今勉強すれば勉強するほどつまらなくなるんだけど、どうすれば、いい？友達は何時も死んだほうがいいと言っている。悪い友達だ。

Whatever, i just want to have my holidays.....arghhhhhhh......

i can hear my inner self shouting: 2 more to go! もうちょっと！and then i will be a free man.....just can't help myself from asking God why did he make humans so complicated? from the painful 10-enzyme purine synthesis to the bulk of TAF's in TFIID regulating transciption of RNAPII catalysed mRNA, snoRNA and snRNA, i need to study them all and it is just so painful.....oh GOD, pls help me to understand myself better and help me to memorize all the pathways and processes involved in carbohydrate, protein and lipid metabolism, and prokaryotic and eukaryotic transcription and translation.....

the day where i can finally sleep for 8 hours : 4th may 2007

it is 3am and i should be sleeping.....i will be having my FINAL statistics exam in my life tomorrow.....it will be the last, bye bye maths, bye bye stats, u all will not be missed.....then my friend just had to break my joy of hoping for a maths-free life.....

friend: u still need regression.....
me: at least i don't need to do the f-test or t-test.....
friend: oh, remember the t test we did to justify whether the means were the same or not for RT-PCR?
me: gosh, why can't maths just leave me alone.....
friend: oh, in case u're wondering, biology in depth is chemistry, chemistry in depth is physics, physics in depth is maths.....
me: so? biologist are superficial ppl?
*silence*

they say the universal language of science is maths.....how true.....
the ghost of maths will continue to haunt me.....

"u're scared of me" *patience* "your personality is like a japanese actor, that's not a compliment!" *patience patience* "mei2 you3 chu1 xi2 de nan2 ren2-loosely translated as a man of no potential....." *wa lau....one more line and i'll bitch you out, and i'm capable of doing that, you whore* really thank God she didn't say anything after that line.....well obviously i just stared at her when she said those lines, was ready to pounce on her.....the reason why i remained silent was because we were in a prayer meeting.....if it weren't for the fact that we were meeting for something God-related, i would have made sure she shrunk to her tiniest pubic hair, that is, if she has any which i doubt, her caustic behaviour dissolved them all.....

seriously, i am not scared of her, i'm just afraid that my CG leader along with other CG members will stare at me blankly when i finally burst out.....oh and i was contemplating to use either french or japanese, the 2 languages made for bitching.....if only arvin was around.....argh.....arvin where are u when i need u? we would have totally rocked the whole prayer meeting hahaha.....and my CG leader actually had the guts to invite her for the genting trip, gosh, if she's coming along, i will make sure arvin comes along.....some ppl just don't realize how ugly their behaviour is.....i need a concealer? oh please.....

note: bitching is in no way a form of swearing.....bitching is sweet. bitch is a complement. i can be a bitch, so? bite me, but beware of my fangs.....i can assure u that arvin's one is much sharper.....i have waited too long.....*purrrrrrrr*

blogs on the virginia tech massacre ends with the previous post.....

i'm just so tired.....i just can't wait for the holidays to come.....i've even planned what i'll be doing for the holidays and my exams are like next week? oh gosh.....and the CA results for molecular bio finally came out today and i got something like an A-.....i was like, u kidding me? A-? then i went through the statistics and realised no one got an A+, only 3 ppl got an A and 13 ppl got A-.....and 30+ ppl failed.....i was like, u have to be kidding me, 30+ ppl failed out of 245 ppl? that's a lot.....then i felt quite satisfied with my A-.....then again, the finals constitute 60% of the final grade, need to study, need to study.....

i've even been planning the modules that i'll be taking next semester.....like immunology, pharmacology, cardio system, german 2, jap 4, french 2.....if all goes well, i might take thai 1 hahaha.....

after searching the net for the contents of the multipage manifesto sent by CSH (he who must not be named in my blog-the shooter) to NBC, i just can't believe myself agreeing to some things that he wrote.....i feel so compelled to say that if things go on as it has always been, i won't be surprise of another mass shooting.....well seriously, the reason he who must not be named did such a thing because he thinks that he had nothing to lose, well, to a certain extent, i have to agree with him, apart from his immediate family, he really did have nothing to lose.....

i am in no way justifying what he did was acceptable, but what i am saying is, there is a greater evil, more horrifying than the physical shooting itself.....in short, he used evil to combat a stronger evil.....obviously, he didn't win.....he may inspire future generations of shooting, this, i must say, is definite (the columbine high school shooters whom he calls matyrs, inspired him), his record breaking 33 lives surpassed that of his idols which was only 13.....

the best part which made me laughed and cried at the same time was when i was reading how he was treated in high school.....he spoke english so badly that his classmates would tell him to go back to china.....china? oh gosh, not all asians are chinese.....some ppl are just so ignorant.....see what i mean by a greater evil?

however, i just feel so bad for the innocent lives lost in the shooting.....one of them is chinese and another a half korean.....

SO, shooting is NOT the way, using evil to fight evil does not make the evil act a righteous one.....gosh, i'm so obsessed with the shooting, i think i could memorise all facts better than the investigators themselves.....

Of hatred and revenge

Is it worth it? is it worth hating? is it worth plotting a revenge? they say revenge is sweet, oh, i couldn't agree more.....how many times have i been guilty of fantasizing a revenge? countless, but in my mind, i just know it'll never come true.....i don't even have the guts to hold a knife without shivering.....i remember once when my aunt offered me a knife to cut the apple, i told her, i'd rather eat it with the skin on.....

to call the shooter a twisted individual, well, maybe he was, i don't know, i am not to judge, but to call him a coward? i don't think so.....to take the life of his own, that i think, he isn't a coward.....

i am truly convinced that to solely blame the shooter on the massacre is irresponsible.....i believe there was discrimination (note: some reports can't even spell his asian name properly).....he said it clearly in his video, you made me do this, i think, to a certain extent, the ppl around him played at least a small part in triggering his desire to mass shoot.....and after the event, some stereotyped asians as violent and heartless beasts, seriously, maybe the shooting was not a wake up call great enough to wake these ppl up what actaully caused the shooting.....

by saying this, i am not for revenge or mass shooting, i am just saying that this world would be a better place without racism and ethnocentric thinking.....

globaliSation without westerniSation (note the S).....then again, i'll still type my report in american spelling though i'm so used to the british one, cause i'm just an IT-idiot who only knows how to rely on the default spelling check in microsoft word.....

the shooter in the virginia tech massacre was quiet, almost no one (except his roommate) from the hall he was staying in knew he actually existed until monday.....come to think of if, isn't pgp like that? seriously, how many of us in pgp know their neighbours? to be honest, i don't know who's staying in room L in my cluster.....oh, and my friend, just found out (after 2 semesters) that his immediate neighbour is taking the same module as him.....seriously, things need to be changed.....i'm not saying that a shooting spree will pop up one day in NUS with the shooter coming from a resident in pgp (oh, and we have RA's too *note: the shooter shot an RA dead too*), but rather, won't it be better that everyone in the cluster at least know each other? i have one cluster mate who is big in size and really intimidating, i smiled at him a few times and all he could offer is a stone cold expression which never changes from the first day i saw him.....

things must change, pgp must change.....then again, i know when i wake up tomorrow, i'll still not know who's in room L.....i would just be grateful that there's no shooting spree, no suicide, no harrasment in my cluster.....

Of McBeef and Brownstone

No, it isn't the latest invention of mcdonald's, nor is it the disease caused by the precipitation of sodium urate in your kidney.....what i am referring to, if u have been following the news, is the shooting that took place a few a days ago in Virginia Tech in US.....By far, according to the news, it is the deadliest, the columbine high school massacre was not as bad.....

McBeef and Brownstone were the 2 plays written by the shooter, an English major.....i've read both of them.....these 2 plays are violent with characters swearing as if it was a normal thing to do.....these 2 plays spoke the shooter's mind, it clearly shows what he wanted so badly.....while the whole of US mourns the loss of approximately 30 lives, while my heart goes out to the victims, i feel sympathy towards the shooter.....

the victims of the massacre are victims, no doubt, they don't deserve what they've got a few days ago, yet the greatest victim of all, i feel, is the shooter.....23 years of the shooter's life, i wonder how many seconds were happy ones.....ostracized by the ppl around him (because of his behaviour?), hatred fills his environment.....

a loner, an ostracized soul, a hatred-filled mind.....it is scary, it is.....i feel for the shooter, i do.....

And to those who said that things could have been reversed if only they took the initiative to talk to the shooter long before the shooting took place, i have one question to ask u, WHY DIDN'T YOU?

self-declared holidays are both good and bad.....not attending lectures, not reading materials that will be tested in like 3 weeks' time would definitely make one feel guilty......then again, if u had 3 full days of tests and assignment deadlines and the total amount of time you slept for the past 3 days barely exceeded 8 hours, then, a self-declared holiday is a natural thing to have after that 3 days of hell.....

12 april 2007 is officially called hanwern's day where all hanwerns in the world enjoy full 8 hours of sleep, 3 meals a day + supper, jogging around the park in the morning and laze around in the room....ahhhh, nice.....

i feel so dead yet i feel strong, i know i can do it, but why didn't it turn out the way i wanted it to be, i am all sad, content, mixed, frustrated, relieved, nacissistic, cynical, selfish, proud, angry, envious, worried, tall and fearless at the same time.....what is it? i don't understand, i feel helpless, yet i don't need help, i can't stand up, but i don't need to stand up to stand up, i can sit and still live my life as perfect.....i am quiet yet, i am a wild beast, i am hyper, yet i am slow, i can run, at least i know i can, but they say i can't.....as long as i know i can, then i can, don't need them, I don't need them.....

dead tired now after handing in all the reports, so i may not know what i am writing, but it's just how i feel in a different form of expression.....

and i am telling u, i 'm not going.....


no, i'm not going, i'm staying, i'm not giving up, i'm fighting, i'm not running away, i'm sitting for all the tests and submitting all my assignments this week no matter what.....and i'm gonna pull it off with all i have.....

12 april 2007-the end of the first phase of hell
13 april 2007-the second phase of hell begins

and it doesn't help that the second phase starts on a "friday the 13th".....

Dreaming.....

when showering, the sensation of droplets on my face is heavenly.....i feel the passion, i feel the sensation, i feel my inner self, i feel like reciting purine metabolism(hahaha, ok, i must admit that i do sometimes, but not always.....).....this is a short break from my hectic life, seriously, who doesn't like to shower?

i've always loved bed time stories.....the moment when i climb into my bed and close my eyes, that is when my mind runs wild, imagination goes beyond what i do routinely everyday.....for that few minutes before i doze off, i am the nobel laureate, the greatest supermodel, the man who speaks 12 languages fluently, the man who travels to france, the man who becomes a doctor, the man who joins patch adams, the man who dances in the rain, the man who goes to genting and the man who laughs everyday.....

i dream a lot, i day dream, i dream at night, i dream while waiting for A1 bus which does not seem to come, i dream during boring lectures.....dreaming is just so sweet

warning : i'm very emotional now, but rest assured, vulgarity is what i hate, and so, i will never use it.....

i'm depressed. the semester's ending. it has always been like this since primary school.....i hate it when the term's ending.....while i can't deny the fact that i am looking forward to the holidays, i dread the ending of a term.....why? because u'll never see the lecturers again, u'll never see the module again, ok, basically, i don't know why, but i'm just depressed.....sob

what makes my depression worse is that the vegetarian auntie in my hostel canteen would be leaving tomorrow.....

it was 9pm and i was probably her last customer
vegetarian aunt : luckily u came today.....
me: why?
va: cause i won't be here tomorrow.
me: oh, see u the day after tomorrow, bye!
va: i won't be here day after tomorrow too.
me: *senses something is wrong* oh, see u next week.....
va: won't be here too.....thank u for your support all this while.....
me: *stares at her blankly* bye!

and that time round she gave me a whole packet of vegetables which was so much that i had a hard time finishing.....i told myself, it's the last time, i will finish it, i will.....and i did, the last mouth of rice from the vegetarian auntie, came with a tear.....

that dinner lasted almost an hour, i flashed back till the first day i stepped into pgp 2 years ago, the first food that i tasted was the food that i ate EVERYDAY since then.....yes, i ate vegetarian food everyday for 2 years.....2 years sweetie, 2 YEARS! tomorrow would never be the same again.....

it started off with beehon, egg and cabbage, it ended with rice, mei2 chai4, egg and green veggies.....

GOD bless the whole world.....

grades in nus are important.....the 5 grades that u can get is A,B,C,D and F.....the so called "bell curve " is so skewed that they might as well have more categories of A's i.e. A+++, A++, A+ etc.....but no, they don't.....u know how me and my cousins used to manipulate our parents that the grades are from F to A instead of A to F? in fact, we further convinced them with the following:

A stands for Alarming state of disability
B stands for Bad
C stands for needs more Caning
D stands for Did fairly
E stands for Excellent
F stands for Fantastic

apparently, our parents were too naive to believe us.....
oh, we're not the only ones who see the grades differently, NUS sees it differently too:

A stands for Average
B stands for Below average
C stands for Close to expulsion
D stands for Dangerously Dying
"there's no E in NUS", if there is one, it'll be the Expulsion grade
F stands for you're Finished

the above chart explains everything u need to know about your result sheet, which, in case u didn't realize, will be arriving in less than 2 months time.....

one question that i have always been asking myself : did i like my high school?
this is a question that i have been avoiding since the day i stepped into La Salle.
my story is weird, till this day, i still wonder whether my decision to apply to la salle instead of applying to Catholic High was a wise one.....u see, Catholic High was THE school to go to for the students in my primary school.....it was like a dream come true to get into Catholic High for some.....well, apparently not for me.....the reason? because Chinese Language was compulsory in Catholic High and together with the high load of homework that comes with it, it's enough for me to pen down La Salle on that very application form that would, unknowingly at that time, determine my fate.....

La salle on the other hand, didn't even offer the chinese language, students there have minimal homework and to me at that time, i naively compared la salle to heaven.....
well, in primary school, contrary to popular belief, i was NEVER in the good classes because i DIDN"T QUALIFY.
so i happily entered La salle......what i had in mind about la salle was surprisingly true.....having been in singapore for 2 years now, i really wonder how malaysian government schools will ever produce future doctors, politicians, economists etc
long story cut short.....eventually, for some unknown reason, i began to excel academically in la salle.....and of course, the bunch of "PALS" in la salle which made my 5 yrs of high school memorable.....

so did i like my high school?
it remains unknown